Autism is a word which has lots of associated ideas, stigma, missunderstanding…
A few years ago, if you’d said I could be autistic, I would have thought you a bit crazy…
It has not been easy to begin unpacking this.
It was a bit random, how I came about my realisation, which turned into a year and a half’s process of questioning, misbelieving, throwing it all out, and revisiting again and again.
How did this begin?
I had enrolled into a business coaching programme. This is a big topic in itself, that I will revisit another time too.
Brimming with expansive ideas about my body of work, I began the relational journey of mapping it all out.
On one of my low energy days, I was lying on the sofa, tuning into my coach’s facebook live channel.
She happened to be interviewing a neurodivergent coach, who helps their clients ‘get shit done’.
This reminded me of one of my core intentions for my coaching: I need to get stuff moving, anchored into some kind of system, ‘flowing’.
It was what propelled me into being coached, I needed help functioning in expressing my skillset, so it can actually be seen by others. I didn’t have a big problem with self-esteem, though there’s always room for more self-love and confidence. It was the being able to get things done, the communication thereof, the executive guidance behind everything.
I was partly bored, partly intrigued: no-one had ever suggested to me before, albeit through an un-interactive live call, whether I had taken any explorative tests into neurodivergency. I thought ADHD was something you diagnosed as a child only, and that autism was something way out there, really obvious, dibilitating, terrible really, though… also hugely imaginative and genuis-like.
So, I scrolled on my phone to find the suggested tests, and began to fill out various ones, including ADHD, autism, anxiety…
I filled them out conservatively, half-believing them, testing the tests in their capacity to sense anything at all.
I was beyond shocked when the autistic test came out as higher than the others, and with a very strong liklihood of me being autistic.
The fact that I had underplayed my answers, made the result even more striking.
So, like with my usual obsessive tendencies, I began to fill out multiple online quizes… each one coming back clearly. I redid the original test a day or so later, answering more bluntly, and came out with an even stronger chance.
Shock, grief
I was pretty shocked.
I spent many evenings after work lying on the living room floor, just thinking.
So many tears.
Mostly, this was an emotion of what felt like relief. Relief of finally uncovering something that appeared to be deeply important.
And, I was grieving my not having known. I was grieving what hadn’t been met, known, understood and supported, from a young age.
I also felt embarassed and ashamed of the whole experience.
Childhood memories, school, work, relationships… my foundational confusion at daily life, and increasing difficulty of managing tasks external to something I deeply understand… my not being able to express myself, and feeling cut-off from to some degree, as if my communication is between two different worlds. The abuse thereof at the hands of others, my naivety and trust.
There were many things that came to the surface.
What now?
I didn’t know what to do about it, so I began to watch videos, subscribe to channels, read articles and consume as much as I could!
I needed to make sure I wasn’t confusing myself over it, that this is truly accurate for me, and it’s not an illusion in my mind (as has been the case for many other things in my life). This is a typical trait by the way, disbelieving self, or needing to be 100% sure and accurate about something.
So, I’ve spent the last year and a half digesting, reflecting, perceptively inspecting with a fine-tooth comb.
A few months after discovering I could be autistic, I called the doctor. It was a difficult day. I was exhausted after work, collapsed on my rug, curled up in a blanket. I had decided I wanted to speak to the medical world, maybe pursue a diagnosis, or at least be referred to someone who might offer me advice.
The response I received was actually, I might even say, harmful. Because, in truth, it stopped me in my tracks for months, and made me believe I was being ridiculous, following some kind of fashion trend, and causing myself to be a burden.
She did encourage me to take my time with it, in a way, which helped other things. Yet… I felt unseen, unheard. Is it sad to say – that’s exactly what you would expect from the healthcare system anyway?
Links with Astrology
There are endless things I have been able to bring to light about myself, to hold in my nervous system slowly; how I actually like to/can function, my physical issues and discomfort, my joy, my conflicts in work, career… questions of life and existence in general. It’s painful, it’s real, and it has a mind, a spiral, of its own.
I’m also questioning the language of my astrology and how this is part of the autism ‘programming’ as it were. Astrology speaks to environment and potential experience of life. Autism is formed through this, if originally present in our genes.
The connection is very real.
Speak to you soon!
I will share more on this and my many multitudinal thoughts soon.
I also just found out it is Autusm Awareness Month – cool eh. Awareness Love Month.
Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash