Have you ever lived through overwhelming loss & fragmentation, that it destroyed your sense of reality?
I believe we are in this overhwelm and change now, as humanity, on planet Earth.
I want to share a little of my personal experience and unravelling of that in this brief first blog on this hugely significant theme.
On the last Venus Leo retrograde cycle, I had a series of very weird experiences – 8 years ago. It was very personal, and not something I spoke about.
A year before then, I had set up my first blog:
I regularly shared, which can be found here. Fire Uncontainable, I called her.
She was the container within which I began my revelatory sharings, my budding creative ideas, my free flowing gifts of my soul!
I discovered therein that I was passionate, still, about nutrition, health, of course spirituality, which is obvious if you read it. She held the space for me to begin sharing my chocolates, my yoga sessions.
I felt safe to share, I explored and connected with others. Life flowed, and it was easy to change and grow when the creative surge is moving.
Before the arrival of chocolates, yoga etc… my emerging expression entirely halted for me in 2015.
Something happened which capped my capacity to freely express. I stopped writing alltogether for a time.
When I did begin again, I was not in an easy place. I struggled with simple everyday life. I wasn’t able to bring my voice to the grit of my life.
Everything had begun to be questioned. My entire belief in God/spirit. My relationships. My work. My future.
I felt like my foundations had been irreversibly cut beneath me.
I was a wreck.
I can’t sum up the last 8 years here. Which have been a picture of intense challenge, shoots of growth struggling to make it through the ruins, and over time, promises of new opportunities for Jonny and I.
There is an immense beauty that arose from the ashes, one inextricably linked with the shift we are in as humanity, as Earth responds to our overwhelming harm we have created. We have to experience that death & transformation within ourselves first, so we can return to the children of Mother that we are, of dearly loved sweet souls who can make a difference as we learn…
But for now…
What I want to say is this: loss, denial, disillusion, zero boundaries, dissasociative spirituality, and at the core, repressed anger – are all toxic combinations for harm to ourselves.
Whilst my previous rather black and white Christian beliefs were too rigid for me (or anyone) long-term, elements of radical love & discernment did root, ground and protect me.
They needed a little adjusting, gradually over time, as I matured into myself.
Instead, what happened among other things, was: sudden annihilation.
Which broke my spirit for a long, long while.
I am still recovering from re-traumatisation of reality change.
This reality change was happening across the planet, as we saw with the exit from the EU here in Europe for the UK, with Boris in the US, and later with covid and its lockdowns…
The bottom line is: integrity, self-protection.
There is a ridiculous idea in some spiritual worlds, that we need to become open to all/most things. This is also happening in liberal politics: with ultimate political correctness and acceptance of all things ‘woke’.
These last 7 years have been a huge training ground for me in this regard. What do I believe now? What am I standing on? Where is my integrity? I don’t just need to expand and shift, I also desperately require self-protection and radical self-love.
For a while I thought I needed to let it all go, totally dismantle everything and return to dust, but it was only years later that I fully came to terms which how destructive that had become for me.
I felt like a fragmented human, with parts of my soul in some dimension somewhere else, in someone else, projected over there, highly sensitive and afraid.
The sensitivity is a gift, since a little girl I have been this way, but the fear was because I had no, or little & porous boundaries. I was taking in the sadness, the overwhelm, the global panic, the depression…
I can’t stress enough how major this is/was for me.
I feel so super motivated to write more about this, slowly, and begin to share more, educate and connect! Not just about this particular reaction and experience of the change in me, but also the actual change itself, and what we find ourselves within right now.
For now, here’s my first blog on this.
Thank You for reading. Would love to hear your thoughts <3